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Wire Fox Terrier Rules

1.  The Fox Terrier is not allowed inside the house

2.   OK, the Fox Terrier is allowed inside the house, but only in certain rooms.

3.   The Fox Terrier is allowed in all the rooms but has to stay off the furniture.

4.   The Fox Terrier can get on the old furniture only.

5.   Well, alright  - the Fox Terrier can get on all the furniture, but can't get on the bed with  the humans.

6.   OK, fine - the Fox Terrier is allowed on the bed but only by invitation.

7.   The Fox Terrier can sleep on the bed whenever it wants, but not under the covers.

8.   The Fox Terrier can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

9.   The Fox Terrier can sleep under the covers whenever it wants.

10.  Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the Fox Terrier.

11.  If I like it, it's mine

12.  If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

13.  If I can get it off you, it's mine.

14.  If I had it a short while ago, it's mine.

15.  If it's mine it can never appear to be yours in any way.

16.  If I'm chewing up something, all the pieces are mine.

17.  If I saw it first, it's mine.

18.  If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.


Bruno On Behaviour

Get really filthy in the garden so that your owners have to bath you. Whatever you do, DON'T LET YOUR OWNERS DRY YOU WITH A TOWEL. Instead, quickly escape into the bedroom, get on the bed, and dry yourself on the sheets. This is particularly effective if it's shortly before your owners bedtime.

When your owners come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, and look really, really shifty and guilty and act as if you've done something absolutely terrible. Then sit back and watch your owners frantically search the house to see what damage they think you've caused.  This works best if you haven't actually anything wrong.

Let your owners teach you a brand new trick and learn it perfectly. Then when they try to get you to demonstrate it to somebody, just stand and stare blankly at them.  Pretend you haven't got a clue what they're on about.

Teach your owners patience.  When you have to go outside (preferably in the middle of the night) mooch around the whole garden and make your owners wait. This works especially well if it's freezing cold; even better if it's raining, too - because you can quickly run past them and get into their bed and dry yourself on the sheets.

Draw attention to your owners. Pick the busiest and most visible spot to do something.  Take your time and make sure plenty of people are watching; particularly effective if your owners have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between coughing and choking whenever a stranger walks past; switch on a pathetic look when the strangers glare at your owners.

Make up your own rules. Don't always bring back the ball when your owners throw it; make them go chase it now and then.  

Hide from your owners. When they come home, don't greet them at the door. Find a good hiding place and hide; make them think that something dreadful has happened to you, and don't reappear  until they're in a state of panic and close to tears.

When your owner calls you to come in (very effective late at night), always take your time and amble slowly to the door. When you get close to the door, change your mind and go and check the garden again.

Wake up a couple of hours or so before your owners are due to get up and insist on going out. When you come back in, fall asleep on the bed. Humans can rarely fall back to sleep after being outside, and the sight of you snoozing peacefully on their bed will drive them mad.

Definition of the word "NO".

"No" means I'll try again later on.


Bruno told the new puppy it was very important to stand properly - he learned that when he was training to be a show dog. It might seem foolish at first, Bruno added, but when you get the hang of it, it's very useful because you get taken to a lot of shows and meet lots of other dogs.

He added "it's not necessary to stick your tongue out at everybody who takes your picture, but I couldn't resist it this time."


How To Stand

Bruno also told the puppy. "When you go for a walk, you need to get the ground rules established from the word go. It's your  walk, so you go where you want to go, not where your owners want to go. Some owners are bone idle and very difficult to train; you'll just have to be very firm and determined from the start."


Classifieds

For sale: Empty food tins. Will consider exchange for full ones. Contact Bruno.


Wanted: Large supply of digestive biscuits. Must be cheap. Contact Emma.


Wanted: All your old pencils. They don’t need to be in operating order. Anything considered. Contact Flinders.


For sale: Large pair of office scissors. A bit dirty, but OK. Contact Bella.


For sale: Twelve inch wooden rule - only three inches long but in good working order. Contact Bella.


Wanted: Maynards wine gums. Will consider any amount, but price must be reasonable. Contact Lucy.


Wanted: McVities Plain Chocolate Digestive biscuits. A good price given for these rare biscuits. Contact Emma


Going For A Walk

"It's extremely important to keep fit. You never know when something good is going to be left on the table, or on one of the work surfaces. You have to be able to take the opportunity without thinking about it. Continual practice at leaping and jumping high is essential."

Agility Training

Emma & Lucy’s Guide To Wine Gums And Digestive Biscuits

“They think we can’t tell the difference!”

Wines Gums.

Lucy says that there’s no such thing as a bad wine gum – it’s just that some are much better than others.

Emma added that some of the best wine gums come from Leo’s Superstore, where you get a large bag of very good wine gums for an extremely modest outlay.

Lucy and Emma’s least favourite ones - even Bruno is wary of them - come from somewhere called Netto (where ever that is). In an emergency, though – Lucy admitted – they’re just about bearable. They’re tasty, but very soft and can stick to the teeth of less experienced wine-gum tasters; Lucy said that an idiot like Mitzy could make one wine gum last for hours.

Lucy reported that Farm Foods wine gums are cheap and taste alright but you don’t get very many to a bag, and if you have to share them with the rest of the residents, you’re lucky to get two each.

Lucy and Emma both agree that the best of all wine gums are called Maynards, but the Editor refuses to buy them; he says they are too expensive. The only known packet was found “accidentally” in the Editor's pocket, by Lucy (report elsewhere).

Emma stated that the tastiest wine gums - whatever brand - seem to be the green or black ones, followed by the red ones. Orange is next, and Emma, Lucy, Bruno and Flynders all agree that the least tasty of the wine gums are the yellow and white ones. They’re usually spat out and given to Lottie, who’ll eat anything.


Digestive Biscuits.

Emma specialises in digestive biscuits. The best digestive biscuit, she claims, is the McVities Plain Chocolate Biscuit - but they are as rare as a first edition copy of the Guttenberg Bible. Emma admits she’s only ever had one of them, but she says they’re well worth the effort to find one. The fact that The Editor of the other newsletter says that chocolate is bad for dogs makes them even more desirable.

Emma reported that they usually have to eat cheap and nasty digestive biscuits bought by the Boss's husband, who thinks they can’t tell the difference. However, Emma added philosophically, beggars can’t be choosers and they’re better than nothing - but only just. Christmas is the best time, Emma stated, because the Editor of the other newsletter always buys Lottie a huge box of the better quality digestive biscuits, which she shares with all the other residents. The only problem – is that they also have to share them with The Boss and her husband, who are notorious biscuit-guzzlers.

Footnote: Emma insists that she has deep reservations about the accuracy of the digestive biscuit count in the other newsletter.


You’ve Gotta Pick A Pocket Or Two..!

Lucy reports: The Editor arrived and it was very obvious to Emma and myself that he had a packet of wines gums in his coat pocket. As the evening wore on, and he showed no sign of sharing them out, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and made my mind up to act. I had to enlist the help of Bruno, Emma, Bella and Lottie for the operation. While Lottie tried to keep him busy by discussing the Newsletter, I found out which coat pocket had the wine gums. Unfortunately - by their very nature - wine gum bags are very noisy and it was next to impossible to remove the wine gums from the coat pocket without arousing suspicion. Emma and Bella tried to stage a squabble next to Editor, but he took no notice; Bruno decided on a more drastic and direct course of action, and leapt up at the Editor and tried to bite his nose. This was quite successful from my point of view - (but not from Bruno’s point of view - he got shoved in a box) because I managed to get my teeth into the bag and got them out of the coat pocket. As luck would have it, I fell off the boxes and dropped the bag of wine gums, and got hauled up by the scruff of the neck into the bargain. Anyway, The Editor took the hint because he finally shared out the wine gums – which were called Maynards, and were the best wine gums I’ve ever tasted.

Some More Wire Fox Terrier Rules

          To be posted VERY LOW on the 'fridge door  - at nose height.

Dear Wire Fox Terrier

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object, and tripping me doesn't help, either -  because I fall faster than you can run.

I can't buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I'm very sorry about this, so  don't think I'll carry on sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible; sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space,  isn't funny.


To keep my Wire Fox Terrier happy,  I've posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter, who is small, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Remember: In many ways, dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a fortune for college.


And finally:

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


Situations Vacant

Apprentice required. Must be agile, willing to work and obedient. Good rewards for suitable applicant. Contact Bruno.


Assistant Required. Intelligence not essential, but must be able to follow orders and run fast when required. This is not a job for the weak-spirited. Job description on application. Contact Flinders


 Flinders provides New Years Eve Firework Display

                                  “Total Disaster,” claimed The Boss

                “Runaway Success,” reported Flinders and Bruno

“I can't understand what all the fuss was about,” commented Flinders. “They wanted a good bonfire and firework display, and that’s what they got. Nobody ever used the summer house, anyway.”

“And you can see ever so much better without all those trees,“ Bruno added.

Bruno said he’d never heard such language. “Every body was swearing and shouting at Flinders and me,” he said, “and it was very embarrassing with all those firemen standing about.”


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